I'm Getting To Old For This

I have a confession.  Sometimes I miss "the old Rachel".  The one who dyed her hair black (or blonde and pink) and pierced things.  The one who could drink six beers and NOT throw up.  "New Rachel" feels sick after two drinks and things she is to good for beer.  She is kind of scared of dying her hair because of the chemicals, but even when she does, it is only to various shades of brown.  Piercing things seems like a huge waste of money to "new Rachel".  "Old Rachel" was also WAY hotter than "new Rachel".  Probably because she was skinnier and dressed like a slut (but neither old or new Rachel was/is a slut!).

What happened to "old Rachel"?  She met her husband.  He was not a huge fan of her ability to drink like a fish or her tendency to poke holes in her face.  This is NOT a bad thing.  Being a stupid teenager forever would be a bad thing.  You don't want to be 45 and acting like you are 18.  It is just pathetic.  Even though I miss "old Rachel" sometimes, "new Rachel" is better.  Now if only "new Rachel" could be "new skinny Rachel"...

What got me thinking about the old me vs. the new me?

Two Things: Converse and Warped Tour.

From the time I was about 15 I wanted some Converse tennis shoes (sneakers?).  Problem is that they are about $40 for a pair of canvas shoes.  Both my mother and I are much to cheap to make that purchase, so I settled for knock-offs (one of which I wore to death, the other had a Superman emblem so I didn't wear them as much.  I still have those ones).  Last weekend we went garage saleing (I make up words all the time), and I saw a pair of flats I wanted for $2.  There was also a pair of slightly beat up pink Converse for $5.  Michael asked me if I wanted them, and I was like, well they are kind of worn out.  He knew I wanted them, so he offered the guy $4 for both pairs of shoes, and the guy was cool with that.  So I took them home and washed them.  Today I put them on.  And felt mildly retarded.  I really do like them, but I feel like they look like kids shoes.  I am totally going to wear them, But I feel like I shouldn't be.

I went to Warped Tour in 2004 and 2005.  *tangent - I actually managed to go the entire day without peeing both times, which is quite an accomplishment for me.  There were only porta-potties and neither old or new Rachel uses porta-potties*  It was really fun and I saw some awesome bands.  Since I met Michael I have not gone.  It is not really his scene, and I don't want to go by myself.  I bring it up every year, and he tends to look at me like I have two heads.  This year he said maybe.  I was really excited for about two minutes.  Then I realized that I am way to old to go.  Not that all 25 year olds are to old, but the life I live is to old.  My weekends are spent watching HGTV and cleaning house, not going to shows and getting drunk.

I don't want you to get the idea that Michael is controlling, or MADE me change.  He isn't, and he didn't. He made me WANT to change.  Which is good.  Your spouse should be someone that makes you want to be a better person.  I am 100% certain that "new Rachel" is better than "old Rachel".  But every once in a while I miss her.  She makes me feel old.

What's For Dinner?

Something I enjoyed doing, but fell out of the habit of is menu planning.

I don't know how other people go about meal planning, but for me it is a pretty long process, and I only plan dinner!

Step One:
I write down the meals we have on a regular basiss.  For us these are usually tacos, spaghetti, and pizza night.  I also note nights that we will be gone so I don't need to make dinner.

Step Two:
I look through cookbooks to find the rest of the meals I need to have enough for everyday we need to have dinner.  This part takes forever!  I am REALLY picky AND I try to keep the calorie count below 500-600 for the meal (main dish, sides, dessert).

Step Three:
I categorize the meals by what sort of meat they use.  I don't really do the meatless things (and my husband really hates when I do), and I am not big on fish, so usually its just beef and chicken.  To ensure variety I switch them every other day.  So if we have spaghetti on Monday, then Tuesday we will have chicken.  I also try to place pasta dishes at least one day away from each other.  I put all the meals into a list in the order I plan to make them.

Step Four: 
I look over the recipes to see what I need to buy and how much, then I make my shopping list.  After my list is made I "shop" my fridge and pantry so I don't buy stuff I already have.  Then I decide on the veggies, sides, and desserts I want to make, add them to meal plan, finalize my shopping list with the stuff I need for breakfasts, lunches, and snacks.

I feel like there has to be a simpler way of doing it, but so far no luck.  I think when I move out I am going to try and plan all of our meals, it should save money knowing EXACTLY what and how much to buy.  And more money saved means more money for fertility stuff.

Good Fortune with Patterns

A couple weeks ago at Goodwill I picked up this pattern:

Quick Butterick 6504.  I don't know what year it is from, but based on the price I would guess the 70's.

 

The reason this pattern was such a good find is that when I checked the envelope to make sure all the pieces were in there (I never used to do that, but I have bought a couple awesome patterns, only to find out that they were missing key pieces, so now I always check.) not only were all the pieces in there, but all the pieces for BOTH sizes were in there.  I just got 2 patterns for the price of one!  Plus it only uses about a yard of fabric and looks super easy!

Something Awesome!

Okay, its not really that cool to most people.  But I think its pretty great!  While I was at Goodwill on Monday, I found this pattern (sadly I could not get the Goodwill price sticker off of it without tearing the 71 year old pattern envelope):

It is from 1941 and has ALL the pieces, in great condition.  Its a size or two to big (remember, this is pattern sizing which is bigger than regular sizing, AND its an old pattern, which are 2-3 sizes bigger than modern patterns.  In other words PLEASE DON'T THINK I AM ANYWHERE NEAR A SIZE 18 in today's ready to wear styles).

It claims it is easy to make, but I am not sure I believe it... 

Bitter Much?

I am 5 kinds of bitter about my struggle with infertility.  I am going to be really honest here, and just lay it all out how I see it (or rather feel it). 

Bitter: 1. having a harsh, disagreeably acrid taste, like that of aspirin, quinine,
               wormwoods, or aloes.
            2. producing one of the four basic taste sensations; not sour, sweet, or salt
            3. hard to bear, grievous, distressful; a bitter sorrow
            4. causing pain; piercing, stinging; a bitter chill
            5. characterized by intense antagonism or hostility; bitter hatred
            6. hard to accept or admit; a bitter lesson
            7. resentful or cynical; bitter words

I would say that definitions 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 are all accurate descriptions of my feelings about the whole situation.

I have always been a jealous person.  It is not an admirable quality, in fact it is listed as one of the seven deadly sins.  But envy and me, we are pretty tight.  Noting has brought out the green eyed monster like my infertility. 

This is my metaphor (analogy?) for infertility.  Don't take it seriously, or personally.  I know kids aren't french fries.  Here goes:

Imagine that your whole life you just wanted to work at McDonalds.  From the time you can remember, all you have wanted to do is flip burgers.  It seemed like a perfectly attainable goal, no schooling or experience required.  As soon as you could apply, you did.  You went in and applied every month for years.  You talked to the managers and owners.  But they NEVER hired you.  You knew a lot of people that did get hired.  In fact, some of them just walked in and were offered a job.  Most of them only applied once or twice.  Eventually you even tried offering to pay them to let you work there.  But they still refused to hire you.

Like I said, I know kids are not french fries.  I also know that raising kids is about a million times more important than burger flipping.  But other than the value factor, I feel it is a pretty realistic depiction of infertility.  Since I can remember, all I wanted to do was be a mom.  And I NEVER thought it would be difficult to do.  I mean sure, RAISING kids is quite a task but I thought GETTING pregnant would be easy.  Other people try for a few months and get pregnant.  Other people actively AVOID getting pregnant and still have babies.  No matter what I do, I can't seem to get pregnant.

This has made me quite bitter.

I am angry when people announce they are pregnant.  I am beyond jealous.  Even people that I love, people who I think will be absolutely amazing mothers.  It doesn't matter how much you deserve your baby, I can't fathom why I don't deserve one.  I want to avoid pregnant ladies, like the plague.  And babies are such a toss-up for me.  On the one hand I adore them, and love to see them and hold them and care for them.  On the other hand, sometimes I want to cry when I see them.

My husband hates my bitterness about the situation.  And honestly, I wish I did.  Even though I know anger and bitterness are bad, I cling to them like life preservers.  For some twisted reason, it feels like if I let go of them, I have nothing left.  Feeling nice is like giving the fertile people the one thing I have.  I realize that this is pathetic and wrong, and I should want to change.  I just don't know how.  Feelings are weird to me, I don't feel like I have any control over them.  I can control how I ACT, but how I feel, not a chance.

25 and Infertile

Can you guess what I am watching?

Anyways, I think that Lifetime or TLC or some other reality/women's channel (except OWN, I sure hate Oprah!) should give infertile girls like me a television show.

Seriously, it makes great sense!  I am pretty sure that a much higher percentage of people deal with fertility issues than teen pregnancy.  About 10% of the adult population could relate to the show.  The other 90% could understand what infertiles go through.  It might not be that interesting, but there are shows about midgets, people who are addicted to things like their own urine and cabbage patch dolls, polygamists, and crazy breeders (yes, I mean the Duggars and I mean it in the nicest way possible, I totally admire them and their family)!  Why not us?

*after looking up crazy TLC shows, it turns out that there is a show called A Conception Story, but it is just a web series*

We can pee on sticks, go to doctor appointments, cry on the bathroom floor, and talk about cervical mucus.  We can inform people about fertility issues, let them know they are not alone in their pain, and maybe even encourage people to value their fertility BEFORE they want to have kids.

Of course the best part is that we would earn money by doing the show.  That money could then be used to finance the mass expense of fertility treatments or adoption.  Of course people will probably love the show.  So once we overcome the infertility one way or another, we can have a spin-off show.  We'll call it Infertile Moms.  Because we all deserve a happily ever after.

How Rachel Is Going to Get a Baby

Since the majority of my posts are whining about my infertility, I assume that the few readers that I maintain even through my sporadic posting and bitter ranting, must either care about me, or have some stake in infertility themselves.  Or I might have no readers.  Whatever.

I am still unpregnant.  Not for a lack of trying of course.  I still take my temperatures and have recently started checking my cervix.  By the way, that is both disgusting and confusing.  I tried the soy isoflavones, one month they seemed to work.  The next they didn't make me feel better, and I am pretty sure I didn't ovulate at all.  So between learning more about the danger of soy and my need for instant gratification, I quit taking them.  I have ordered Maca, red raspberry leaf, and a fertility blend, and when they come in the mail I will start taking them.  I want to get false unicorn root as well.  And of course there is the lunaception.

Strangely I feel like my cycles are syncing up with my mother-in-laws, at least a little bit.  The last two months, she has asked us to pick her up feminine hygiene products around the same time I am bleeding to death.

I have a plan for my fertility treatment.  For the first couple months we move out we are going to be a little poor.  Then some things are going to happen that will bring in more money (room mate(s) and another kid or two to watch) and we should have quite a bit of money at the end of each month.

My goal is to use lunaception and herbs to get my cycles at least semi-regular.  Hopefully by the time I have the extra money I will be back to pretty regular cycles and ovulating on a regular basis.  Whether that happens or not, I will move on with my plan.  The next step will be to find a gynecologist in the area to run tests.  Last time I went straight to a fertility doctor, which I think was a mistake for a number of reasons:
1. I didn't like him.
2. His office is an hour away.  With one car, and my baby-sitting, it was hard to coordinate office visits.
3. Fertility clinics don't take payments.  I think gynecologists do.

After I get the necessary tests done to find out what is wrong, I will find a new reproductive endocrinologist and move on to whatever treatments need to be done.  I know when I started this blog, I said that I didn't think I would do IVF, or anything drastic like that.  I have completely changed my mind, and it is all on the table now.  I just want a child, I don't care HOW it gets here.  Actually that isn't true, I still wouldn't be willing to have a clone.  IVF, IUI, ICSI, crazy drugs, whatever it takes!  I even have an AMAZING friend who has offered to be a surrogate for us if it came down to that! 

If nothing works, my husband is warming up to the idea of adoption.  I think it takes longer for guys, because they don't get quite as desperate to have children.  In fact he even brought up the idea of adopting a Chinese baby.  Which will never happen.  You have to make a MINIMUM of $80,000 a year to adopt from China.  We will probably go for domestic infant adoption if we end up adopting.  I would love to adopt an orphan, instead of "fighting" other couples for a newborn, but the cost and logistics of getting a foreign infant make it seem impossible.